Helping Toddlers Deal with Divorce

When my husband moved out 5 months ago, JD had a much stronger reaction than I was prepared for, and it terrified me.  Because his dad frequently traveled and worked a lot of nights, I naively thought JD wouldn't notice a huge change in our routine, but I quickly realized that not only did he understand that something major was going on, but he was also picking up on my own anxiety and sadness.  He started stuttering, biting his nails, and acting out (much more than usual).  I don't know if I was more devastated by my personal crisis or by watching JD go through his own.


I am relieved to share that the stuttering has completely stopped and his behavior has drastically improved.  (I will take any tips for stopping the nail biting!)  Here are a few things that I would attribute this to.

1. Simplifying as much as possible.  At first I thought it would be best for the boys if I had their dad over for a couple meals each week, but I quickly realized that it was too confusing for them.  JD would start the next day crying and screaming because daddy wasn't still there.  Him coming and going from the house didn't make sense to them, and of course they picked up on the tension.
2. Having a consistent schedule and pick-up & drop-off routine.  I noticed a huge change in JD's behavior after keeping drop-off & pick-up as quick as possible and right at the door.  I would like to think that I have less tension and anxiety because I know the schedule, and that impacts the boys, too.
3. Being honest.  I have openly and positively talked with the boys about what is going on and how we are feeling.  From the beginning, they were comfortable talking about daddy's house vs. mommy's house, and they know that it's okay to be sad and miss daddy and also to be happy and excited to spend time with him.  I want them to learn that they can trust me to be honest with them- but it is important to note that that doesn't mean that I will tell them everything.  There is no reason for them to ever hear me say anything negative about their father or make them feel like they need to choose sides.
4. Showing them similar situations- both in books and in real life.  One of my best friends is divorced and shares custody of her daughter.  JD was so excited to hear that she has a "mommy's house" and a "daddy's house", too, and my friend has been an incredible resource and support to me.  At first I was hesitant to get the boys books that used the D word, and there isn't much for toddlers anyway, but there are a lot of books that deal with separation anxiety and different kinds of families.  Our favorites are Llama Llama Misses Mama, The Family Book (We LOVE Todd Parr books.), When I Miss You, and Owl Babies.  I've had a harder time finding books about missing daddy (Anybody else notice most separation anxiety-themed books deal with missing mom?), but there are great books that depict a child spending time alone with their dad- like The Biggest Bear, My Daddy and Me, and Because Your Daddy Loves You.  

This is just the start of our family's transition, and I hope to share more good news soon.

I'm Rugged

On Saturday, I completed my first ever Rugged Maniac run.  I had been training for a couple months, and now I'm addicted.  It was SO MUCH FUN.   (And this is coming from somebody who hates running.)

Ready to go!

I just climbed out of knee-deep mud & I'm still smiling.

It was SO HOT that day- I had never been happier to crawl through mud.  (Actually- I don't think I've ever crawled through mud before.)

I had so much adrenaline when it was over, I was telling everyone that I wanted to go start over and do it again.  30 minutes later, I didn't want to walk to the car.

Friends and I are already planning our next events, so if you're in the area join our team!

Full

This past weekend was jam packed with family, food, and fun, and I can't keep myself from dumping iPhone pics all over this blog.


We started the weekend with a visit to my parents' home.  JD was anxious to show off his bike riding skills to his Grandpa Bob.

And I was excited to hit up the local strawberry festival.

The boys had a great time with Grandma, Uncle Anthony, Aunt Amanda, and Uncle Justin.

None of the strawberry shortcake went to waste. 

I left the boys snuggled up in their room at my parents' place and went out for a drink with my BIL, brother, & sis. We got a great table on the deck, there was an awesome, adorable band & we shared a lot of laughs. Can't ask for more!

The next afternoon, my mom and I left for a girls' night in NYC.  We had our list of shows we wanted to see and stood in the tkts line.

We scored tix to Peter and the Starcatcher.  There aren't enough words to describe how brilliant and astonishing Christian Borle's performance was.  The staging, the songs, the ensemble, the writing- it all blew me away.

And although he looked completely drained- he was THE NICEST to the mob at the stage door.  

The next morning we slept in super late (wooooohooooo!) and then headed over the the High Line.

I stuffed this in my face even though I already stuffed myself at breakfast.

We had such a great time, we decided to make it an annual event- at the least.  But I was sooooo ready to get back to my boys and celebrate Father's Day with my dad.

The boys were most excited for the treats we brought home.

However, I don't think they really appreciated how awesome (and expensive) they were.

Happy Father's Day, Dad!  

And finally, my baby, who always referred to himself as "O", started saying his full name.  He's getting too grown up for my liking!